After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, ‘Hey, old buddy, how's it going?’
Before a mad scientist goes mad, there's probably a time when he's only partially mad. And this is the time when he's going to throw his best parties.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia.
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.
On the other hand...you have different fingers.
One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep--not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.
